A beautiful dawn...

Saturday,sep 8th 2007...from 12-3 am i danced .was great..then came back and talked to some very good frnds..and then Princess came online...could i believe it???
Could there be a dawn more beautiful than this..could happiness be more graceful?I look at beautiful words i have been thirsting for more than 2 months..and they come along so symbolically along with the first rays of dawn..i feel happy...........and now i understand why i have been so unhappy in US..bcoz I know and realise all that I have been missing..

strange time..........

Its a strange coincidence..the song playing is nickelback..."Rockstar"..every line in it starts with .."i want..."Im copying something i wrote couple of days back...........
I am sitting in a conference room auditorium with a big shot in the firm speakingto us..a batch of 300 guys dubbed "smart"..yeah we r told that all the time by everyone around in and out of the firm..loads of expectations on each one of us...a great career lying ahead...all my life I believed i was good...real good..and here i m having proven to most of my critics,..and here if ind everyone just as good...what am i doin here?what am i dreaming abt??Am i anywhere close to what I want to be or wanted to be??For that matter am i closer now than what i was 4 yrs back..na na na....farther infact...Im smiling....funny isn't it???with every passing day, a dream is lost forever...in the maze of time...with every passing year a new realisation dawns and so does the strength to hope diminishes...As a kid i wud have dreamt of being an einstein..still possible..sachi..no..not possible..kobe bryant..no.....ceo of a fortune 500 may b...may not be..a few yrs back all the questions had one answer..yes!!! time has just slipped by....and with it have ebbed the dreams and the hopes that coloured those starry eyes...Someone told me i sound pessimistic at a time Im having a blast...Wish i cud tell him happiness is not a security..it is a butterfky sitting on ur palm..and all u can do is watch,...u cannot hold it for that extra moment..it just disappears as elegantly...
SO what am i doing?Trying not be unhappy...If i have a job, i might not be happy..but atleast i can feed myself and not be taunted by dad...i can call myself employed andsave myself from relatives hungry for gossip..i can introduce myself to women as an employee of a decent firm...more than decent infact...fortune 500 company..hhehe...If i were know to each one of the 300 smart ones in this audi wud i be happier?if in this crowd i had 20 frnds wud i be happier?if i were liked by everyone here??if i had someone in this whole big group who loved me?
And all these wierd thoughts are running through my mind contradicting the ambiencewhere someone is talkin abt Agile and Xp and binary trees and code...and stuff..
Maybe maybe LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN!!!
There is a time when dreams dominate Your thoughts....there is a time when reality erases them all..And life i feel is just a journey between these two phases...And I am midway...And the same question haunts me..is this sad?pathetic?pessimistic?DO you need think abt all these ...is thinking a refuge of the loner?is it the art of a genius or the sadness of the lonely?and answers dont seeem to drop from the heavens in a place where nothing seems to be of any purpose....NOTHING!!!!and so very strangely are we all happy when we are least aware of this feeling..lost in the collossal struggle of life...thats why ignorance is bliss..u dont realise the purposelessness...And every thought, every peep into the truth shoves that extra dagger into the heart..and u know u r caught in the middle..neither like the ones who drink,flirt,and what not or the ones who know everything and r calm..and u keep oscillating..gettting dizzy with a taste of both worlds..getting a drop of bliss here and there...

first fortnight ...

First fortnight in a distant land..sounds poetic isn't it? but it is very painful..i had a nice bath...cooked my lunch..sitting on the internet in a towel..isn't that an ideal sunday???but im dying with guilt.....for having " wasted my weekend"..yes..thats the state of affairs..there is so much to do during the weekdays that if you dont do anything fruitful on ur weekends u ve failed to manage ur time..and i know its a pity...but yeah there is so much to look around and explore...and life has become a race.."there is no time to stand and stare"..uufffhh..see i cant even recollect the lines properly...there is a deep prayer that these 3 months get over in a blink..dunno if its fear of workload here...or my homesickness.or just the fact that im out of my comfortzone and also out of my sync with friends i dunno....mayb ill get used to this and feel reluctant to go back 3 months from now only time will tell...but as quoted in a movie.ur happiness and success have value only if ur with ur near and dear ones to share...i feel guilt everytime i see something beautiful bcoz i wanna show that to my dad and mom as well...i miss mygood frnds...i miss Princess..miss my God...everyone...and sometimes all this looks so senseles..and life so purposeless...all for a rat race to get to the top of the corporate ladder..who cares a shit....money has left us with no time to pursue art....bcoz art doesn;t feed..art doesn;t get u ipods and cameras and laptops..art doesn;t make ur parents happy..art doesn;t get women either....hehe...but if i look inwards im missing my soul as well..and thats one thing that art gets u and money doesn;t....wish i could lie down on the grass on a sunday listening to music and readin a novel...aah...see the interconnection of life, money and peace??

Leaving..

Leaving....such a strange word..to be honest not very excited..in fact given a choice will stay back....to realise how it feels when U cant reach Ur loved ones and they cant reach U either at will...makes me really sad...feeling gloomy all morning..i haven't packed bags either....hehe..so much pending work..i just dont have the heart..thank Gods I got a chance to talk to my Princess once before leaving.....as She said, "mann halka ho gaya"....will miss "My " people.."my" friends for 3 months...it seems sooooooooooooo looooooooooooooonggggggggggg...and yeah unlike most others Im looking forward to coming back and my stay here after i come back.....gonna enjoy it...ashish asked me to list the 5 things im gonna do there for sure...ive a task now to really complete them...1. bungee jumping 2.making a great frnd out there..3..making a good frnd in my batch 4. visiting some naughty places(not so sure abt this one after yday..)5. watch niagara falls...lets c how many i complete...and yeah i wil wriote a diary..so once i come back will upload them..

to ashram...

Went back to the Ashram after 7 long years....7 is a very important number in Hindu mythology.... Lord Vishnu gives His gatekeepers the option of 7 lives as His devotees, or 3 lives as demons ..but they were so reluctant to live away from Him that they choose 3 lives as demons..and then we had..(ravana kumbhakarna..treta yug), (shishupal, dantavakra..dwapar yug) .......and (hiranyakashyap and hiranyakasha...sathya yug),..so i felt my wait would atlast end....but it dint..dint get to see Swamiji,....He is old..now HE needs a car to get back to His room..and all i got was half an hour in the ashram..my fault..should have got up earlier in the morning... ...8 hrs of bus journey for nothing???i complained and i knew what i missed in real world, He would compensate to me in dreams as has always been the case....and i did get a dream..not that day but the day after...and i was happier..bcoz dreams can sometimes be just a mere reflection of ur day's thoughts...nothing necessarily spiritual....but still would love to see HIm next time I go there....disappointed..i so badly wanted to see Him before i leave for US..but its fine..the longer the wait the sweeter the result....or rather as He told me once in my dream(and now it all turned true)..."the greater the pain, more is the happiness that you would get later"...and yeah..the happiness has just started to surface...

living in the moment..

Ashish asked me yday that if we are motivated to do somethng better does that mean we are not happy in the present bcoz if we r looking for a better tomorrow it means we are not happy with the present...i told him that happiness is being lost in the very moment...we strive every moment abt our future bcoz we believe we can get something where we can drow ourselves....but the moment whe we r entirely lost is the moment of happiness..may b when w e are talking to a loved one..or just throwing stones at poles(both of us used to do lots of that and so much get immersed in that)or may when we r so imersed writing a poem or trying to play a song on the guitar..or een geting wet in the rain..or mayb a silly ting like trying to impress a girl...u r so lost in doin it..thats happiness to me..

flying..

This morning when a plane went right over my head , id int feel the same way i used to before....sad ...but yeah....i always wondered what it must be like to be flyin the clouds...its great....and i understood why god loves His creation so much..why he forgives us all..because everyone looks so incredibly small and insignificant....the earth looks so beautiful..and we look like tiny creatures crawling on our dear mama's body..despereately dependent.....the mess that is here looks just a small antline up there.....and clouds are always there to distract gods...hehhe...at 200 km /hr and 1km above the ground..the earth turns into a multicoloured heaven.....stars shine and adorn the ground the same way flowers do to a garden in spring...yeah i was glued to the small window..most peole were hardly bothered..mayb they have dont it a hundred times..but i guess it was a sight of a lifetime i wud hold dear to my heart like a kid owns a teddy....yes the sirhostesses were beautiful and for a few monets i exchanged the window for the end seat....im smiling.....but yeah the kid's heart wants everything.....the five star hotel was good...the cuisine was interesting..i realised that as people get richer they wear less and eat lesser....i hope i never have to live in such a scarcity........god bless them......but yeah the sky looks beautiful when we r on the ground..but when u r in the skies trust me the earth looks much better....

down the memory lane..

3rd May 2003...mom broke the news that dad was not ready to send me back to the ashram...and that aftrenoon i cried..and things went on..and life was never the same....what i was would never again be a part of what i am...and what i am woud never be what i was....life's changed..i ve known and forgotten people...ive made friends ..lost friends....lots of things...but life simply refuses to be what it was there .....

23rd june 2007.....tears rolled down my cheeks..incessantly...when I saw Swamiji's throne..He wasn't there ...but the ashram was stilll the way it was the last time i saw it....doors which were once open to me had closed upin me...i was an alien in my own home......there were some nostalgic moments....some pricks ..some pangs...remembered the last time we all ran to get into Swamiji's room for a Trayee session....part of my heart wants them all back..a part is happy with what i have..but yeah ...Swamiji still comes into my dreams reminding me thata He is not far away...or rather ....optimistically..i haven't drifted too far away...

Something strange...

Something strange has taken over me...m i bein myself or m i being more depressed i dunno..people have started complainging that Imm cribbing..dont really think so..the more u think the more u find fault with everything u see around...and greater is the feeling of purposelessness all around..and the Blore ambience is not helping this numbness either....im becoming a loner with every passing day..is that bcoz im happy with myself or bcoz i hate those around me i dunno..got to find that out....but yeah...so much to care for look for and hope for and still im sensing a deep dissatisfaction within me..soooo sooon???strange isn't it...but yeah its happening.....

I wanna go places......

Went for a team outing...the special part was I did the bookings.my manager forced me to do all that and Im thankful he asked me to..we went for bowling...its a nice game....wow the way it releases ur worries and the way everyone becomes a kid....and then we went to "posh" hotel..my second five star this week and I have already started hating the rich..the women dont wear anything and the men drink mugs of beer...and they have very less grey matter in their heads.,.im talking abt the yoth..not their dads...and yeah i saw chain smoker females too.....
leave that shit aside...i got one of the best compliments of my life....i was sitting with my manager's manager..the same guy who took my final interview in college befire I was selected and he told me that after my first interview the guy who took it(hez a big shot rt now in the company)came to him and said."U have got to meet this guy!!!" and the way he said it to me was like .."wow"....it feels something to hear words like that from "Big people"....i can go place..just hoping i really do.....not the places i went this evening....they feel like shit...but the ones whose foundations start from the clouds.....

learning to fly...(pun intended)

Days are flying by.. I m preparing to fly myself soon...and what an experience that would be....as a new world unfolds...wish i woudl still be the same when i get back to the earth ..i dont wanna be a part of them....they dont live...i guess they dont even know what life is about...

Read this...

http://urdupoetry.com/kaifi09.html

Behad achi hai.....

Princess...

Use bohot gussa aatha hai..and Her anger is very dangerous..kuch bhi ker dethi hai...uff jo derd hotha hai....mera testimonial delete ker diya...:(per itni massom hai , itna bachpana nazer aatha hai , itna childishness nazer aatha hai ki agle pal hi bohottttttttt mohabbat kerne ka man kertha hai...Per itne doori se kya mohaabat kera koi siwaaye intezaar ke....sirf mohabbat ko lafzon se jataaya ja sake tho kya faida....kabhi aisa ho ki dil fanaa ho jaaye aur labon se "uff "tak na nikle..aise hi chup chaap khuli aankhon se dil thame mohabbat kerthe rahein...mushkil hotha hai...but someone so special as Her makes U do that..makes it possible..makes it worthwhile...makes the pain beautiful....makes U feel special...makes u a complete human being...Love You Princess...

Life starts anew....

New faces, new people, a new world, a new schedule, new obligations, new responsibilities, new burdens, new fears..something's still not changed...that constant search for that hidden person...a constant search for someone who makes u feel u r looking at urself in a mirror..for someone who is not artificial , for whom life is not all abt money, projects,positions, parties....agreed these r all a big part, even more so now but they r not the priority....life's changed in the sense that leisure has become an amazing luxury...never felt the kind of relief i m feeling rt now...a weekend....so soothing....sometimes i wonder how people have been able to live a life like this for years....no time for oneself...living constantly for "something else"...no time to walk alone in the middle of the road,dead of the night, no time to enjoy the morning dew, no time to write a poem, not time for anything that makes life worth living...wish my life doesn't become like that....this suffocation is something that sucks life out humans..wish i get some oxygen to breathe every now and then...this life is an essentiality but its not the essence..not the end all!! like say classes in Java(they r real tough yaar!!!) like one class inherits another class ..has all its attributes plus the extra features developed for its own purpose....leisure is worthless without a mission, a motive...missions and aims r worthless if we cant afford that leisure on those fine moments..that rendezvous with happiness that sparks ur life every now and then...

Feel like God!!

Watched the new Avenger ad.."I forgive them all..I feel like God"...There is an overbridge right above ,(25 ft) over one of the busiest roads in Blore..and dead centre of that bridge there was a chair...a nice breeze blows acroos it..and when u lok down there r innumerable vehicles..U see all the reds on one side and the whites on the other as if multicoloured stars are adorning earth...and U feel u r looking down upon the sky...I felt like God...watching His creation with love ....

life's beautiful...

The last days of a phase....im tensed worried excited.....everything that can happen to my mind is happening..im taking sleeping tablets at night..im not able to sleep....but i ve loads of dreams..loads of things to look upto...the rain came down today..almost symbolically the wind was blowing the droplets over my face...Princess is talking to me again....Shez sent me something thats more than enough for a lifetime....everything seems so beautiful..i guess life is more about attitude..the way u take things happening to u..but how much ever stropng our heart is we always need those moments of care and acknowledgement from the ones we love...special ones always make life more special....Ashihs says " ask for it and ull get it" well looks like tis happening for me.....

.................

I am extremely happy...sometimes its good if a few feelings r left hanging in silence rather than trying to mould them in words.....

Birthday..

I recieved a special poem..hmm "nazm" ...on my birthday..the one i was waiting for...felt special..it was a apriceless feeling....apart from that got loads of calls and messages..sometimes when friends rememebr you life seems so very beautiful...it makes you happy..how much ever a person is in love with himself, affection and adoration always gives him that extra puff..that extra ziff...that extra push..that elevation...what made me feel the best was I was the one who gave a gift to my mom..i took Her to my grandma...without my "strategies" dad wudn't have been too convinced..heheh...never mind...it was a special day....loved the way dad chided me for all those calls and messages...hehe.....with a naughty look on his face...

Aaj phir..

Aaj phir unke gali ki oar jaane ka man kiya,
Unke chaukhat pe nange paav khade hone ka man kiya,
Bhale hi kyun na aana pade khali haath waapis,
Aaj jholi bichaker Unse mohabbat maangne ka man kiya.

Bohot tanhayee main pyaar ker chuke Unko,
Aaj jubaan kholker izhaar kerne ka man kiya,

Vo kaahish jo seene ke qafas main qaid hai,
aaj lafzon main bayaan kerne ka man kiya,

Dil se pukaare ja rahe the Unhe arson se,
aaj cheekhker Unka naam lene ka man kiya,

Bandh aankhon ne kai khwaab dekhe Unke laut aane ka,
aaj ji bher ke deedar e rukhsaar kerne ka man kiya,
aaj phir Unke chaukhat pe nange paav khade hone ka man kiya,
Jholi bichaker Unse mohabbat kerne ka man kiya.....
(Krish)

transition...

I am going through a transitional phase...loads of time to think...sometimes i feel i should close all shutters down and just be alone..enjoy my own company..the fear of faling in love and pain at the same time haunts me...at other times i fel ashamed of this fear...Ashish would get angry too.he believes in believeing and thanx to offlat3e even I have started believeing..and I am putting it to application in my own house to some success...dad ke saath ocasional jhagde tho phir bhi hothe hain...i feel disappointed sometimes bcoz the pat on the back which i want from dad never really comes to me..dad loves putting me down..i really dont know why...is it because he doesn't really likeme getting beter than him...or is it because he doesn't want me to become arrogant with everyone around praising me..?? he loves me no doubt about that but i dont really understand why is he behaving so strangely..like a distant person..he doesn't approve of anything i do..anything i am...kya kareing..but he is good and to a large extent he is contributed to whatever good there is in me...sooner or later i feel this thing would be solved..i wil become more mature and may be dad to.hehe.. till then may be i ll try to hold my tempers down and stop myself...i have become a beter person and a better son offlate..thanx to the various relationships i have had over the past year....that is the advantage of meeting and interacting with sensible and thinking people....

Nostalgia....

The last day at college..most of the rooms had already been deserted..loads of trash...things thrown away....empty corridors..which were once filled with peals of laughter now echoing haunting silence..so many memories..reected..abandoned..and a few that would forever be etched ont eh ehart...the symbol of a lifecycle..as each auto drove away from the premises only to bring fresh faces a coule of months later.. the abode that was ours now derelict..soaked in our joy and pain..laughter and grimaces...how many faces would disappear forever...how many friends would become strangers...how many words would fade away..how many relations would flow away in the tide of life..never to be heard, seen or felt...never to be experienced....never again...this moment as I stand at the fringe of an old lifestyle wish a few things could be corrected, a few scripts rewritten, a few lessons relearnt..a few memories relived... a few hearts reconnected... a few thoughts refurnished... a few alleys revisited... a few ideas rejuvenated..a few smiles resonated..These last moments of a phase are causine me a pain..distinct yet nebulous..as if i know something's wrong and yet not know what it is or may be something is right and not being able to realise it..These nostalgic moments..

Relationships.....

What do we look for in a relationship? Love, passion, commitment, security, benefits or simply happiness? Or is happiness just another combination of the aforesaid factors? Is relationship like a business where we invest something and get returns? Is it possible that sometimes we invest so much in one business and lose that we don’t have anything left to invest in anything else? How do we decide what to give and what not to give? Whom to give and whom not to give? I guess relationships are all see saw balances..we try to balance what we get and receive…if nothing else the happiness or rather the peace we get in giving someone is reward in itself....Relationships…how do I describe this all important word…society….friends….circle..contacts….close pals…there are a thousand divisions ..at the same time shudn’t we be aware of where to draw a line? But dont we cross the line ourselves and let our relationships define us? Are our relationships an indicator of what we are? Do we have no separate existence apart from the way we maintain relationships? I feel we are drained by the commitments we get into…so much so that we are too carried away by the way we fail in one or two relations and as a result mess up our entire thought process….but at the end of the day what we are is not what others, even the best of our friends, think about us but what we think about ourselves…and that brings me to another question? Should we judge our relations and their veracity by the way our opinion about ourselves matches with others. ...as in…is the guy who thinks the same about me as I do about myself, my best friend?

Do you know how it feels like?

Do You know how it feels like when someone says,"I love you, honestly,sincerely, truly".......It feels nice, great..no,no...it feels awesome....no..it feels "heaven"..its a different thing seeing it in letters, on cards, in mails...but when you actually hear it...you feel wanted...Ashish showed me a beautiful artcile in sunday times the other day...about how, what we are, reflects in the kind of people we choose and the way we tend to get loved the way we love ourselves...and so even if you are capable of loving someone a lotttttttt..may be unconditionally, there is always an innate desire to be loved similarly...to be wanted, cherished..u keep wishing someone down the line values you, your presence in their lives...

But do u know how it feels like when u hear those words and all u can say is "Thank You" even though you love the person a thousand times more(thats not a random assumption)...all you can do is stare down the road, smile and feel your helplessness...amazing how we all are slaves of destiny...of our fantasies, of imagination, of hope, of dreams,of everything that is miles away from Reality!!!

Do u know how it feels like when someone walking beside u says them as if they were always there hanging in the air to take shape and fall on ur ears in a blissful note and then transform into a smile on ur face?

It feels beyond words.....

A Sin?

I went out with SH today....My mood was pretty good..we went to my sis's house....somewhere down the talk my jokes actually got serious and I actually enjoyed hurting her...this moment i m hating myself for doing it but that strong urge to make her realize how wrong she had been some of the times and how much she had hurt me at different points of time somehow took over me....wish I could get those moments back..after all when u care for someone and u dont get back what u exactly expect u have two choices...u can continue being wht u r or u can stop caring as well..i guess the first option is a difficult path to tread but that is what we should try doing ..after all its a privilege we r gifting to the people we love so much...so what if we are unlucky enough not to get it back the way we had wanted to or expect to, but at the end of the day our love for someone is at its flamboyant best when u r showing it with a song playing in the background.."teri aankhon ka jadoo poori duniya pe hai....duniya ki is bheed main sabse peeche ham khade.."..its great if u get something back...fine if u dont...life moves on...like the song in the background...

Guitars at the cafe!!

I am not a big patron of the idea of playing guitar at a public place..mayb I am just scared....yesterday Ashish , me and Bhattar were sitting at the cafe and Ashish suddenly started playing his guitar....I was slightly embarassed in the beginning but I understood what he was trying to do...and so i supported him...soon the whole way of looking at it changed...and after an hour i actally asked for the guitar and played it myself....after a looooooooooooong time....me doin it in the cafe was like amazing and i did it not to prove to someone i can play the guitar as well(thats a common idea) but because I actually felt like playing the guitar and then a strong wind started blowing...i could actually laugh at myself saying I am the modern geeration Tansen .....and then we three had a hell of a discussion in Ashish's room till 2 :30 i the night.....
moral.....try to be happy..U will get happy...its ok if there's a deep rooted pain somewhere buried in ur heart...but one can still be happy....then I went to the terrace ..it was a clear sky....with a billion stars...and there was a bright one too....I am smiling...I was happy....

Lamha banker na reh paaya!!!

Jhuki aankhen jo na keh payee khuli julfo ne woh jataya,
Unke sehme se izhaar main ye lamha bas ek lamha reh na paaya,
Unke geele se tabassum se baatein bhi kuch hui meri,
Ab ye guftagu sirf jubaan ka khel na reh paaya.

Kuch muddatein unki khamoshi main bikher gaye,
Kuch lafz unke hothon ke aaghosh main chup gaye,
Rukhsaar pe naqsh fir bhi woh iqraar tha,
Jise pal pal unke anchue adaon ne dikhlaaya.

Unke mohabbat ne kuch aisa hamey aazmaaya,
Dil aur zehen main bas sukoon hi hai chaaya,
Badalthe jazbaath bhi ek nayaa ehsaas de rahein hain,
Iqraar ka ye lamha bas ek lamha banker na reh paaya..

(Song written by Krish
composed by Ashish)

Smiles are forever.....

A Rose i thought i would never see again , bloomed and spread its fragrance in my garden like a summer morning breeze. A few minutes got etched on my mind, as i gazed at it, and then everything looked so normal again, as if nothing has ever changed...and as I always say "Life has always been beautiful". Ashish so rightly says, "If we dance even when we are not really interested we get interested soon...".May be that is the phase I am goin through right now. Offlate I am hell bent about one thing..come whatever i would stay happy. I am actually finding it easy now. Nothing really seems significant enough to sacrifice my smile. Nothing. Its just like there are a few clouds and i have to glide through them, without the fear of falling , i should add. I learnt a lesson while swimming and that applies to real life as well. If you believe you would float, you will float. You will sink only when you stop believing and raise your hands for help. Never raise your hands. Always try to swim. There is a line I often quote without ever realising its meaning. Guess I am right now. Always keep smiling. Your smile might well be the ray of sunshine for someone, on an otherwise gloomy day.

Amazing maze!!

Whats around us is amazing...an amzing maze ..a complicated web of perceptions and senses....But the existence is really questionable....When we see silhouettes in the dark people around r so spontaneous in telling us its juts our figment of our imagination...what worries me is what if everything around..even that which is present in the so called "day light" is a figment of my imagination....??Ramya once told me that Sara is very imaginary...That Her love is just an idea and not reality....funny isn't it..i replied she standing infront of me is just as real or as virtual..both r basically the way my brain had decided to interpret the signals..what if it is malfunctioning? even if it is working properly isn't it just a conditioning we have gone through at an earlier stage of life..in a way most of what we r doing , seeing or feeling is bcoz we have been told to do so at some point of our life and even our life is just a bad reproduction of someone else's thought and its a big chain..wud i ever come out of it???

Yday at the cafty , i just stumbled over an ageold question...i was lying on my back in the grass gazing at the stars..searching for the brightest one...and then i wondered if such gigantic objects are lost in this galaxy then what really is my significance!! What do I add to this universe..what difference did i or will I ever make? I felt someone up there was playing a game...tp as we say in hostel lingo...and we by losing ourselves in this beautiful maze of life add to His entertainment....and then i mused...the times i was really happy was when i was lost in doin something..."writing a poem all my energy used for finding the right words", "playing the guitar", watching the sunset...without a streak of a thought...and then i questioned myself...isn't it good to immerse urself in something and live out the time u have here on this wonderful planet..or should I, now that I am halfway through continue on this strange path where I look at everything including myself from a "Third person" point of view..like a constant observatory watching and memorizing ur actions..ready to screw u when u contradict ur own self...? Confused utterly about which direction to take....but as i told my friend..."knowledge and realisations can never really be undone" is it possible to forget ever the abc's..or 123's and even if i want to will the world i live in allow me 2???

I dunno !!

Whats goin on in my mind? I m really not sure....a constant search...or constantly waiting ..for what?? i dunno...what do i expect from this world? mayb everything...mayb nothing...what do i want friends for? To understand me?? Even when I am enjoying someone's company i know.."This too shall pass away"...someday they wudn't understand me...someday when i need them the most, they wudn't be there...why am i scared to stay alone? lonelines scares me....my conscience asks too many questions....I m tired of justifying myself to myself...i wish i was a saint..I am not..i have desires ...i wish i was an arsehole.....then i cud absolutely screw anyone for my happiness...i ant do that either....i still am true and honest to a large extent..im smiling...large extent!!! Isn't that funny? I am constantly torn apart..ripped by opposite feelings..emotions strange to each other!! I wish I get busy soon.....loneliness is killing me......

numb..

Couple of days have gone by...they were strange...such discord between my exterior and interior...on the surface i was so good...laughing all day...Ramya was so surprised....but she guessed it....but she wudn't know that this is such a permanent change..this strange numbness thats seeping through my system....this weird way of laughing at every silly thing and yet knowing the absence of peace....In a sense Im happy but not peaceful...As i walk through the corridors of my hostel there's a strange mist over me...everything sounds so distant..so alien..or may b I am the alien here...Is this called living in a dream world? Is this building castles in the air...well..I guess it is not.... for the people I have loved are real..and so is my love..Some are happy without me and some with me...but nothing after She left that night seems very substantial or significant....mayb life would start breathing again...but till then its such a pain in the ass to wait for it to resurrect itself!!

a few tears!!

Princess says, She would rather be happy without me than with me.....wish I could assure Her otherwise...per kya keroon? She cried all day today...mayb bcoz of me...She loves me a lot!! But helplessness is terrible...mayb She thinks I m better off if She disappears....kaisay kahoon unse kya hain woh meri...ager sach main woh khush hai , without me, i will feel happy...bcoz i would taste selflessness for the first time in my life....kyunki by leaving Her I m not gaining anything...ab na chain rahega , na sukoon, and since a part of me still believes mayb mayb She could have been happy with me...even my conscience will prick me for letting Her go...i just pray Shez happy...Princess if u r reading this..know that .. i still love You for it is not in me to forsake U...it is not in me to forget You, and I will miss You a lot....You r a kid and kids should not be allowed to choose entirely on their own...but if a kid cries and gets suffocated every time u go near Her, kya ker sakthe hain? azeeb badnaseebi hai...God bless U and God save me !!!

Finally!!!!

I just witnessed a downpour....these are the moments that we live for....these are the moments we can die for....a thousand times over.....Amazing how someone can touch our lives so very much... leaving all their colours.....and life never remains the same...when you would rather miss someone than "miss" someone..And when u r graced with such bliss..it makes all the longing and pain worth it... .. I feel lucky...for You, Princess,are so beautiful ..I am amazed by the purity of Your heart and only wished U understood how much..im smiling......all I can do is go on loving...thankfully I m helpless...and its better U dont change those emotions into something else.for love can be love..it cannot be defined nor can it be named, for every name bears its insignia... "sukoon"..."peace" "tranquility"..u can get them only in that special relationship which has flavors of pain and joy....if we cud get everything the way we want we might as well miss that which we could have got and whose aroma is beyond our comprehension..Whatever U r Princess(now that i know U r reading this...i was never really sure U did..even though i mentioned that i know ur reading... in our conversation...;) im smiling...] I love You...and given a choice i would fall in love with You a thousand times over and over again without taking any credit for it...for YOU ARE SO LOVABLE & ADORABLE...I need You...Your presence...Your words and Your silence...Your anger and Your love...everything that You are...Love U..

uff ye mohabbat!!

I could lie and tell her shez just a friend..or I could speak the truth..which i did..the result being another disaster!! She says im just a guilt for her .....im feeling like an overacting hero of a melodrama..shehh...im laughing when i shud cry or be angry....U shudn't thrust your emotions on others..honestly since a couple of days ive not been doin that..but if she wants a confession that i dont have emotions how could i say so...she needs a friend..and a lie could have helped...but if i lie to her the whole relationship would become so artificial..and shez one of sweetest truths of my life...that she now thinks im just an artificial person adds amother sarcastic arrow to my already sore heart..but god am i addcited to her...some guys would go ahead and make fun of this...but duded this is not schmaltzy sentimental foolish stuff..this is how badly i need her and how desperately i love and life's all about that!!

king size....

Is everything justified in love and war? If it is, then im not wrong...bcoz all the mess i got into has just one bottomline....that I love Her....but this is not the way to justify things...ive a fw regrets...somewhere down the line ive committed a mistake...of confusing emotions...Sara was correct..."mohabbat ko kabhi jataana nahin chaiye"....directly....it shud be evident....but its difficult....how much shud i restrain myself when my soul wants to scream out...but i ll give it a try!!! ahh what a conversation im having with her...im laughing..like i haven't for a few days...patha hai possessiveness sucks!!! We shud stay away from it.....we shudn't be jealous of someone else spending time with Ur princess...per kya karein...kabhi kabhi dil machaltha hai....control kerna padega....we will try this out then...love on a grand scale...the way god loves...the way mom loves....na...i guess the way Krish loves...ur too good man!!bas thoda behek jaathe ho kabhi kabhi..thoda envy, thoda possessiveness..na yaar...enuf is enuf...kal se new innings.....we will live life king size..aish pelenge ek dam....khush rahenge..hasenge...masti maarenge...derd yehan pe nikalenge...aakhir woh insaan hi kya jo derd se wafa na ker paaye.....

demotions!!

I wonder what hurts the most? someone's indifference..or someone's departure...and if it does hurt...why?KurtKobain wrote in his suicide note.."Its better to burn out than fade away.."Is this true? mayb our personal egos r so high we just cant accept the fact that we r no longer as adorable to the ones whose opinions we care for as we were at one point of time.....i guess the fall from "best frnd to good frnd" is far more painful and intense than the rise to being somone'e best frnd..a part of us is always stubborn and doesn't let us get away and get moving...after all however special our loved ones might be , there r always others waiting to be discovered.....per there's a strange feeling pricking me...its a sense of isolation, dejection and mayb helplessness....if ur loved one dropped u what satisfaction is there in being loved by someone else..after all that person might as well drop u sooner or later...which brings us back to our personal ego and qualms....."Am i wrong?"....and when we dont find the answer to this question, our demotions taunt us all the more..to the extent that we reach a state of numbness...guess thats what is gonna happen to me....i wonder if im capable of loving someone ever again...or feeling secure abt any relationship ever again....after all the more someone knows me the more the chance of me being disliked...bcoz try as we may, dishonesty floats on our skins...and it takes time to know someones true self..so someone liking me today might realise im dishonest some other day and if thats the doom of a relationship....im scared of this world..of frnds.of relations..of falling in love..."every phase is transient?" Lord Krishna said it in Bhagwad Gita.."This too shall pass away"...but if this is its translation....being lonely is less painful if not more fun......

how badly do u need someone?

Today She talked to me...acha laga..fir kal kisne dekha....mayb a few smiles wud genuinely erupt on my face this evening....mayb the gentle breeze near the lake might be soothing and not prick me the way it does sometimes when im lonely...things might have changed for good and im fooling myself ki everything wud be normal again...or mayb things have never changed ..it was just a change in the weather and spring's arrival would restore it all....only time can tell!! But i really long for those beautiful moments....a sweet thought struck me today!! life is all about how badly we need someone and how strongly we can love someone.....nothing less nothing more.....so simple....and every struggle...every battle is just for that!! aur haan!!! the way we love someone always leaves us a better person.....life's beautiful....with a bit of longing and a bit of pain...

missing someone..

Amazing how u fall short of words when u need then the most..how u miss someone the most when they r away...beyond U...how u love someone the most when they r indifferent...Amazing..how my gut squirms with unpleasant thoughts..how gloominess engulfs my existence everytime i m reminded of times gone by...and how even pleasant entitites like the wind, greetings from frnds etc...tend to enhance pain further...strange journey ..this " missing someone "...u laugh hollow laughters...u smile painful smiles...ur eyes stare down the alley with longing for the one who once held ur hand down that very lane...and unlike physical pain this is one thing without pain killers...and it is constantly augmented..and all u can do is Hope....as put beautifully in Shawshank Redemption.."Hope is a good thing may b the best of things..."..and then towards the end..."I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams..."..i dream about a winged angel in red...i hope it isn't long before She stoops down from her abode to grace me...and if it is a long wait...God save me!!!

A eternal wait?

I am writing this to show it to Her someday....but not yet.....right now i wish she has a few words for me..she doesn't.....right now i wish she smiled at me....but she isn't smiling either...is it just moments before the downpour or the beginning of an eternal wait, i know not!!! And at this lonely hour, with a few hidden tears for company, when every living cell of my body is aching for Her, i m completely aware of all those beautiful moments i had with Her....and i wish i cud have a few more of them...funny..sometimes what seems so much within reach at one point of time might be as far as the horizon the very next moment...and all u can do is just admire the game of nature...or mayb just mourn...wishing that the next moment changes just as drastically...wish i were lying down in her lap...under the shade of a banyan...wish i cud dance with her in the rain on her favourite song one more time....wish i could make her a cup of hot coffee and share it with her in the cool summer night breeze.....wish i cud....such a wishful phrase.....the next time i talk to her i wud know how it feels like to get the unbelievable...the next time....till then i shall wait....

life moves on!!

We had our freshers' party today...and i went there with minimum xpectations..i have been bored to hell of this yearly ritual and this day promised nothing different...but life's always unpredictable..i had a blast....i haven't been this happy in weeks..a few glomy chambers of my heart have been dusted with sprays of laughter..and loads of compliments..and i learnt a valuabe lesson.."everytime u believe it sucks..it shows u those special hues that can soothe any pain..and yes those hues r worth living for......"....life moves on...incessantly...and we have to as well...hehe..mayb its a satire that due to some weird reason i aint able to add colours to this font..but thats life.....u hardly ever get whats expected..and perhaps thats the reason its so interesting.....yeah gave a lecture to my juniors....i was honest..and frank..and mayb..mayb...i guess...my talk was free of any hypocrisy or lies...and i dint bother at the end of it all ..what they felt....im happy...yes...i m happy tonight....and ill go and sleep on our terrace with a lovely breeze caressing my hair...

World sucks!!

does it really?
ive spent sleepless nights wondering if it was my frustration that showed me this world in a different shade....there r times when we stand at the crossroads, unaware of the right direction...we see the whole world goin in one way and r absolutely convinced they r following the wrong smell....and yet it is so diffcult to tread down the lonely path that seems so apparently correct....and then i wonder what is a true direction..where does it lead us to? To a better place? To better people...more evolved....to greater loneliness...i feel honesty and truth dont fetch rewards..the only reward is ur sense of satisfaction....which is absolute....this world has been sucked into relative philosophies and nothing seems wrong....after all do u really feel shy getting naked in the land of the blind???As Steve Jobs said,"The journey is the reward"..someday i hope to understand what lies at the end of the road thats so deserted and yet so right...
life's beautiful...

The Chrysanthemus...

Hi!!
This is Krish...
I want to talk to U....
I feel im deluged with thoughts...
someone reach out....
I wanna share them...
in the hope that someone someday would resonate
that these words wud pronounce ur silent thoughts,
these emotions spell ur feelings..
unsaid but felt..
in the bittersweet corridors of ur memory..
life is beautiful...