Its a strange coincidence..the song playing is nickelback..."Rockstar"..every line in it starts with .."i want..."Im copying something i wrote couple of days back...........
I am sitting in a conference room auditorium with a big shot in the firm speakingto us..a batch of 300 guys dubbed "smart"..yeah we r told that all the time by everyone around in and out of the firm..loads of expectations on each one of us...a great career lying ahead...all my life I believed i was good...real good..and here i m having proven to most of my critics,..and here if ind everyone just as good...what am i doin here?what am i dreaming abt??Am i anywhere close to what I want to be or wanted to be??For that matter am i closer now than what i was 4 yrs back..na na na....farther infact...Im smiling....funny isn't it???with every passing day, a dream is lost forever...in the maze of time...with every passing year a new realisation dawns and so does the strength to hope diminishes...As a kid i wud have dreamt of being an einstein..still possible..sachi..no..not possible..kobe bryant..no.....ceo of a fortune 500 may b...may not be..a few yrs back all the questions had one answer..yes!!! time has just slipped by....and with it have ebbed the dreams and the hopes that coloured those starry eyes...Someone told me i sound pessimistic at a time Im having a blast...Wish i cud tell him happiness is not a security..it is a butterfky sitting on ur palm..and all u can do is watch,...u cannot hold it for that extra moment..it just disappears as elegantly...
SO what am i doing?Trying not be unhappy...If i have a job, i might not be happy..but atleast i can feed myself and not be taunted by dad...i can call myself employed andsave myself from relatives hungry for gossip..i can introduce myself to women as an employee of a decent firm...more than decent infact...fortune 500 company..hhehe...If i were know to each one of the 300 smart ones in this audi wud i be happier?if in this crowd i had 20 frnds wud i be happier?if i were liked by everyone here??if i had someone in this whole big group who loved me?
And all these wierd thoughts are running through my mind contradicting the ambiencewhere someone is talkin abt Agile and Xp and binary trees and code...and stuff..
Maybe maybe LIFE HAS JUST BEGUN!!!
There is a time when dreams dominate Your thoughts....there is a time when reality erases them all..And life i feel is just a journey between these two phases...And I am midway...And the same question haunts me..is this sad?pathetic?pessimistic?DO you need think abt all these ...is thinking a refuge of the loner?is it the art of a genius or the sadness of the lonely?and answers dont seeem to drop from the heavens in a place where nothing seems to be of any purpose....NOTHING!!!!and so very strangely are we all happy when we are least aware of this feeling..lost in the collossal struggle of life...thats why ignorance is bliss..u dont realise the purposelessness...And every thought, every peep into the truth shoves that extra dagger into the heart..and u know u r caught in the middle..neither like the ones who drink,flirt,and what not or the ones who know everything and r calm..and u keep oscillating..gettting dizzy with a taste of both worlds..getting a drop of bliss here and there...
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Tell me the difference between someone for whom sometimes, may be just for some seconds, a thought comes that may be things could have been better but he resigns to his "fate".
and a person who thinks deeply about his dreams,about how better things could have been. Finally finds faults in the world and realizes that there is no need to successful because there are some great problems with the world.
At the end both are living the same life...So u think having a reason for living the life you are living makes ya different? A genius may be or smart....Great!!!!
get my point...i m not saying its right or wrong....i m trying to say 'NO they are not different'...coz actions show how you are and not your thinking...coz your actions show your ACTUAL thinking....
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