I dunno !!

Whats goin on in my mind? I m really not sure....a constant search...or constantly waiting ..for what?? i dunno...what do i expect from this world? mayb everything...mayb nothing...what do i want friends for? To understand me?? Even when I am enjoying someone's company i know.."This too shall pass away"...someday they wudn't understand me...someday when i need them the most, they wudn't be there...why am i scared to stay alone? lonelines scares me....my conscience asks too many questions....I m tired of justifying myself to myself...i wish i was a saint..I am not..i have desires ...i wish i was an arsehole.....then i cud absolutely screw anyone for my happiness...i ant do that either....i still am true and honest to a large extent..im smiling...large extent!!! Isn't that funny? I am constantly torn apart..ripped by opposite feelings..emotions strange to each other!! I wish I get busy soon.....loneliness is killing me......

numb..

Couple of days have gone by...they were strange...such discord between my exterior and interior...on the surface i was so good...laughing all day...Ramya was so surprised....but she guessed it....but she wudn't know that this is such a permanent change..this strange numbness thats seeping through my system....this weird way of laughing at every silly thing and yet knowing the absence of peace....In a sense Im happy but not peaceful...As i walk through the corridors of my hostel there's a strange mist over me...everything sounds so distant..so alien..or may b I am the alien here...Is this called living in a dream world? Is this building castles in the air...well..I guess it is not.... for the people I have loved are real..and so is my love..Some are happy without me and some with me...but nothing after She left that night seems very substantial or significant....mayb life would start breathing again...but till then its such a pain in the ass to wait for it to resurrect itself!!

a few tears!!

Princess says, She would rather be happy without me than with me.....wish I could assure Her otherwise...per kya keroon? She cried all day today...mayb bcoz of me...She loves me a lot!! But helplessness is terrible...mayb She thinks I m better off if She disappears....kaisay kahoon unse kya hain woh meri...ager sach main woh khush hai , without me, i will feel happy...bcoz i would taste selflessness for the first time in my life....kyunki by leaving Her I m not gaining anything...ab na chain rahega , na sukoon, and since a part of me still believes mayb mayb She could have been happy with me...even my conscience will prick me for letting Her go...i just pray Shez happy...Princess if u r reading this..know that .. i still love You for it is not in me to forsake U...it is not in me to forget You, and I will miss You a lot....You r a kid and kids should not be allowed to choose entirely on their own...but if a kid cries and gets suffocated every time u go near Her, kya ker sakthe hain? azeeb badnaseebi hai...God bless U and God save me !!!

Finally!!!!

I just witnessed a downpour....these are the moments that we live for....these are the moments we can die for....a thousand times over.....Amazing how someone can touch our lives so very much... leaving all their colours.....and life never remains the same...when you would rather miss someone than "miss" someone..And when u r graced with such bliss..it makes all the longing and pain worth it... .. I feel lucky...for You, Princess,are so beautiful ..I am amazed by the purity of Your heart and only wished U understood how much..im smiling......all I can do is go on loving...thankfully I m helpless...and its better U dont change those emotions into something else.for love can be love..it cannot be defined nor can it be named, for every name bears its insignia... "sukoon"..."peace" "tranquility"..u can get them only in that special relationship which has flavors of pain and joy....if we cud get everything the way we want we might as well miss that which we could have got and whose aroma is beyond our comprehension..Whatever U r Princess(now that i know U r reading this...i was never really sure U did..even though i mentioned that i know ur reading... in our conversation...;) im smiling...] I love You...and given a choice i would fall in love with You a thousand times over and over again without taking any credit for it...for YOU ARE SO LOVABLE & ADORABLE...I need You...Your presence...Your words and Your silence...Your anger and Your love...everything that You are...Love U..

uff ye mohabbat!!

I could lie and tell her shez just a friend..or I could speak the truth..which i did..the result being another disaster!! She says im just a guilt for her .....im feeling like an overacting hero of a melodrama..shehh...im laughing when i shud cry or be angry....U shudn't thrust your emotions on others..honestly since a couple of days ive not been doin that..but if she wants a confession that i dont have emotions how could i say so...she needs a friend..and a lie could have helped...but if i lie to her the whole relationship would become so artificial..and shez one of sweetest truths of my life...that she now thinks im just an artificial person adds amother sarcastic arrow to my already sore heart..but god am i addcited to her...some guys would go ahead and make fun of this...but duded this is not schmaltzy sentimental foolish stuff..this is how badly i need her and how desperately i love and life's all about that!!

king size....

Is everything justified in love and war? If it is, then im not wrong...bcoz all the mess i got into has just one bottomline....that I love Her....but this is not the way to justify things...ive a fw regrets...somewhere down the line ive committed a mistake...of confusing emotions...Sara was correct..."mohabbat ko kabhi jataana nahin chaiye"....directly....it shud be evident....but its difficult....how much shud i restrain myself when my soul wants to scream out...but i ll give it a try!!! ahh what a conversation im having with her...im laughing..like i haven't for a few days...patha hai possessiveness sucks!!! We shud stay away from it.....we shudn't be jealous of someone else spending time with Ur princess...per kya karein...kabhi kabhi dil machaltha hai....control kerna padega....we will try this out then...love on a grand scale...the way god loves...the way mom loves....na...i guess the way Krish loves...ur too good man!!bas thoda behek jaathe ho kabhi kabhi..thoda envy, thoda possessiveness..na yaar...enuf is enuf...kal se new innings.....we will live life king size..aish pelenge ek dam....khush rahenge..hasenge...masti maarenge...derd yehan pe nikalenge...aakhir woh insaan hi kya jo derd se wafa na ker paaye.....

demotions!!

I wonder what hurts the most? someone's indifference..or someone's departure...and if it does hurt...why?KurtKobain wrote in his suicide note.."Its better to burn out than fade away.."Is this true? mayb our personal egos r so high we just cant accept the fact that we r no longer as adorable to the ones whose opinions we care for as we were at one point of time.....i guess the fall from "best frnd to good frnd" is far more painful and intense than the rise to being somone'e best frnd..a part of us is always stubborn and doesn't let us get away and get moving...after all however special our loved ones might be , there r always others waiting to be discovered.....per there's a strange feeling pricking me...its a sense of isolation, dejection and mayb helplessness....if ur loved one dropped u what satisfaction is there in being loved by someone else..after all that person might as well drop u sooner or later...which brings us back to our personal ego and qualms....."Am i wrong?"....and when we dont find the answer to this question, our demotions taunt us all the more..to the extent that we reach a state of numbness...guess thats what is gonna happen to me....i wonder if im capable of loving someone ever again...or feeling secure abt any relationship ever again....after all the more someone knows me the more the chance of me being disliked...bcoz try as we may, dishonesty floats on our skins...and it takes time to know someones true self..so someone liking me today might realise im dishonest some other day and if thats the doom of a relationship....im scared of this world..of frnds.of relations..of falling in love..."every phase is transient?" Lord Krishna said it in Bhagwad Gita.."This too shall pass away"...but if this is its translation....being lonely is less painful if not more fun......

how badly do u need someone?

Today She talked to me...acha laga..fir kal kisne dekha....mayb a few smiles wud genuinely erupt on my face this evening....mayb the gentle breeze near the lake might be soothing and not prick me the way it does sometimes when im lonely...things might have changed for good and im fooling myself ki everything wud be normal again...or mayb things have never changed ..it was just a change in the weather and spring's arrival would restore it all....only time can tell!! But i really long for those beautiful moments....a sweet thought struck me today!! life is all about how badly we need someone and how strongly we can love someone.....nothing less nothing more.....so simple....and every struggle...every battle is just for that!! aur haan!!! the way we love someone always leaves us a better person.....life's beautiful....with a bit of longing and a bit of pain...

missing someone..

Amazing how u fall short of words when u need then the most..how u miss someone the most when they r away...beyond U...how u love someone the most when they r indifferent...Amazing..how my gut squirms with unpleasant thoughts..how gloominess engulfs my existence everytime i m reminded of times gone by...and how even pleasant entitites like the wind, greetings from frnds etc...tend to enhance pain further...strange journey ..this " missing someone "...u laugh hollow laughters...u smile painful smiles...ur eyes stare down the alley with longing for the one who once held ur hand down that very lane...and unlike physical pain this is one thing without pain killers...and it is constantly augmented..and all u can do is Hope....as put beautifully in Shawshank Redemption.."Hope is a good thing may b the best of things..."..and then towards the end..."I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams..."..i dream about a winged angel in red...i hope it isn't long before She stoops down from her abode to grace me...and if it is a long wait...God save me!!!

A eternal wait?

I am writing this to show it to Her someday....but not yet.....right now i wish she has a few words for me..she doesn't.....right now i wish she smiled at me....but she isn't smiling either...is it just moments before the downpour or the beginning of an eternal wait, i know not!!! And at this lonely hour, with a few hidden tears for company, when every living cell of my body is aching for Her, i m completely aware of all those beautiful moments i had with Her....and i wish i cud have a few more of them...funny..sometimes what seems so much within reach at one point of time might be as far as the horizon the very next moment...and all u can do is just admire the game of nature...or mayb just mourn...wishing that the next moment changes just as drastically...wish i were lying down in her lap...under the shade of a banyan...wish i cud dance with her in the rain on her favourite song one more time....wish i could make her a cup of hot coffee and share it with her in the cool summer night breeze.....wish i cud....such a wishful phrase.....the next time i talk to her i wud know how it feels like to get the unbelievable...the next time....till then i shall wait....

life moves on!!

We had our freshers' party today...and i went there with minimum xpectations..i have been bored to hell of this yearly ritual and this day promised nothing different...but life's always unpredictable..i had a blast....i haven't been this happy in weeks..a few glomy chambers of my heart have been dusted with sprays of laughter..and loads of compliments..and i learnt a valuabe lesson.."everytime u believe it sucks..it shows u those special hues that can soothe any pain..and yes those hues r worth living for......"....life moves on...incessantly...and we have to as well...hehe..mayb its a satire that due to some weird reason i aint able to add colours to this font..but thats life.....u hardly ever get whats expected..and perhaps thats the reason its so interesting.....yeah gave a lecture to my juniors....i was honest..and frank..and mayb..mayb...i guess...my talk was free of any hypocrisy or lies...and i dint bother at the end of it all ..what they felt....im happy...yes...i m happy tonight....and ill go and sleep on our terrace with a lovely breeze caressing my hair...

World sucks!!

does it really?
ive spent sleepless nights wondering if it was my frustration that showed me this world in a different shade....there r times when we stand at the crossroads, unaware of the right direction...we see the whole world goin in one way and r absolutely convinced they r following the wrong smell....and yet it is so diffcult to tread down the lonely path that seems so apparently correct....and then i wonder what is a true direction..where does it lead us to? To a better place? To better people...more evolved....to greater loneliness...i feel honesty and truth dont fetch rewards..the only reward is ur sense of satisfaction....which is absolute....this world has been sucked into relative philosophies and nothing seems wrong....after all do u really feel shy getting naked in the land of the blind???As Steve Jobs said,"The journey is the reward"..someday i hope to understand what lies at the end of the road thats so deserted and yet so right...
life's beautiful...

The Chrysanthemus...

Hi!!
This is Krish...
I want to talk to U....
I feel im deluged with thoughts...
someone reach out....
I wanna share them...
in the hope that someone someday would resonate
that these words wud pronounce ur silent thoughts,
these emotions spell ur feelings..
unsaid but felt..
in the bittersweet corridors of ur memory..
life is beautiful...